The New Norm

I've been thinking a lot about grief, and loss.  It seems when we think of grief, it's reserved for the loss of a loved one, spouse, child, parent.  But anyone who has experienced a life-changing loss goes through grieving process ... loss of fertility, loss of mental function, loss of health, loss of youth, loss of friendships, a home, job or pet. When you read about grief, each loss is described as an occurrence that you had no control over.  I'm not sure that's true. I think we grieve even when we controlled the change.  Change of jobs (where I'm living right now), change of homes, relationships and friendships, cities, states - each brings a sense of loss, a sense of longing for what was. 

Each person's experience of loss is different.  It will be unlike anyone else's.  Regardless, the grief response brings intense emotions.  Feelings of being alone, anger, depression, loneliness, fear, frustration, futility and instability. 

When you experience grief, you strive to get things back to "normal."   The goal becomes to get things back to where they were before the loss, before the fog of grief set in.  The truth is you need to embrace the loss and know, know, that "normal" as you knew it is gone.  There is now a new normal and you must open your mind to finding it..... the new norm.  

My mother taught me, years and years ago, that the loss never goes away, you just learn to live with it.  Each loss leaves a hole and somehow we believe we can fill that hole with something else. Unfortunately no, the hole remains but gets smaller and smaller as it is surrounded by new life experiences. To move beyond the grief, we must accept the "new norm", we must assimilate the loss, face and work though the pain, understanding that the loss will get smaller and smaller until it is only a pinpoint of light.  Anne Morrow Lindbergh, who lost her baby son in a kidnapping and murder, said:

        It isn't for the moment you are struck
        that you need courage,
        but for the long up hill battle to faith, 
        sanity and security.

So when life is forever changed, we are forever changed.  Loss is a common experience that every person will encounter during his or her lifetime. It does not discriminate for age, race, sex, education, economic status or nationality.  Loss, whether it happens "to" you or "by" you, is a byproduct of being alive.

Each person walks their own path to overcome loss.  When the initial fog clears, it is time to reach inside for your own internal strength to adapt and adjust to the new life. Despite the loss, life goes on, it moves forward and begins again, but it is a life forever changed. Most people don't like change. And of course change from loss is forced upon us.  Years ago I was faced with the need to make a major life change.  I found a quote that basically said, "sometimes the energy it takes to keep resisting and living in the past becomes more painful than making the change."

        And then the day came
        when the risk it took to remain tight
        inside the bud was more painful
        than the risk it took to blossom.

                                                      Anaïs Nin

Simply, we must surrender the old and begin anew.  Hmmm....kind of sounds like what it was like when I first turned my life over to God.  Give up the old "norm" and begin a "new norm" in Him. Moving from the dark into the light.  As we grieve, we are in darkness.  Not sure there is a darker place than the depths of grief.  Admittedly there are levels of grief.  The loss of a spouse, child or beloved family/friend far out ways the loss of a job or house.  But grief is grief and unique to each. But it's dark.  If it's part of life, then is it a necessary evil?  Moving from darkness....

When I became a Christian, Col 1:10-14 spoke to me, leaped off the pages of the bible.  Daily I wear a dogtag with On Belay on one side (that's another story) and Col 1:10-14 on the other:

 'so you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption...'

Delivered from the domain of darkness. 

When my father died, my mother was 32.  I watched her process her grief for 30 years until she passed away.  Don't get me wrong, after his death, she went on to lead a very productive and successful life, yet as I look back now I suspect she was always processing grief in the background. In her life, she never really knew Him.  I don't believe she ever experience God as father.  As someone who loves us and wants to carry our burdens, sooth our souls and take our grief. Throughout the Bible, God tells us how He wants us to relate to him: Trust him.  Even in our darkness and pain. He wants us to rely on him, to rest concerns and ourselves in his hands. 

Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."

The answer to loss is quite simple, admittedly not easy, but simple. Rest in Him. It is God that fills the space left, minimizes the hole to a pinpoint, renews us and leads us to the "New Normal."