Patriotism in the middle of nowhere

I am 56 and have an over-abundance of patriotism.  Saturday we drove along Route 25 from Las Cruses New Mexico to Albuquerque to catch a flight home.  We chose a quick detour and drove through Truth or Consequences because seriously, why wouldn't you? The little town, once called Hot Springs, runs parallel to the Rio Grand and is the county seat of Sierra County. I'm not sure if at one point the Rio Grand was a robust river or maybe at a different time of year the waters run strong, but on this February 27th, there wasn't much majestic about the famous river way.  

As we cruised through the little town, scattered with a mixture of old and new buildings, we stumbled upon Veterans Memorial Park. This relatively large park housed one of the half-scale traveling Vietnam walls, complete with my fathers name on the first panel.  The wall purchased by Truth or Consequence traveled the U.S. for three years before retiring in this memorial park.  A large brick and concrete walk, shaped in the star of the Congressional Medal of Honor, is deemed the Walk of Education ... and it was. Marble monuments stationed along the path, one for each war and military action since 1775 to Afghanistan, commemorated the story, intent, beginning and end of each conflict. Carved in stone were the number of lives lost and lives wounded.  It was quite powerful to walk in the dry heat of New Mexico, somewhat in the middle of nowhere, a place called Truth or Consequence and be struck by the immensity of lives lost and bodies wounded in the pursuit of democracy.  I literally can never see the following phrase without chills...

And then, and then, I feel disappointed and so concerned as I watch the state of the country and the election proceedings we are all witnessing.  I never jump in the arena on Facebook. I never express my political opinions on Social Media. But how can you stand in a place, in small town middle America, which honors those lost, wounded and never found and not feel embarrassed by the actions of those stepping up to lead this country?  In 240 years, over 1.1 million men and women have given their lives for the freedoms of America....paid the ultimate sacrifice. Double that have been wounded, returning to families and loved ones with visible wounds and in many cases worse invisible wounds. And of course, we currently have thousands of men and women standing in harms way, fighting for God and country, defending democracy.  As this takes place, we have grown men and women, intelligent, powerful, educated men and women making a mockery of our system.  Asking the American public to pick the best of the worst.  Is this what men have died for? They paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we can watch men and women in suits mud wrestle slinging insults, telling lies, innuendos and half-truths. Seriously?  

As I said at the beginning of this blog, I have a ridiculous amount of patriotism.  I run red, white and blue.  I was raised to believe in God and country.  The men I have respected most in my life are/were Marines and Navy. Losing my father at 5 years old, I was raised to believe when men or women put on the uniform, they became heroes.  To serve and protect, to defend.  Men or women of honor, courage and faith. I am embarrassed that I am asking them to follow a future commander and chief who thinks nothing more of our system that it being a public forum to hurl insults, make jokes and demean others. Thus far, democrat or republic, the debates should be shown on day time TV, up against the Jerry Springer show.

As I walked the path of the Congressional Star honoring the men and women who make my life great, I was nothing more than saddened and embarrassed by the election I am currently witnessing.  To all the candidates - grow up.  Have some honor, decency and integrity. A lot of men and women shed blood to put you where you are.

From darkness to light

Over the years I have suffered on and off with depression.  There are/were times it became overwhelming and times it was present, but manageable.  Often I can feel it coming on ... sort of a spiraling down effect. If I can recognize it before I get too close to the symbolic drain, I can catch myself and redirect. 

The last couple of months, the depression has been overwhelming often engulfing me before I have any chance of redirecting.  There are a lot of things happening in my life that I can easily attribute to the depression. There have been significant, and somewhat necessary, endings.  Changes in career, in my God purpose (or what feels like lack of purpose, lack of impact), diminishing of health and even my circle of friends becoming much smaller. 

That all said, my life is incredibly blessed.  My church, my husband, my family, my home, my business, my growth group, my friends .... I can go on and on how God blesses me.  Every single day.  So how is it that you can recognize how blessed you are in life yet still spiral into an abyss of depression?  When I logically process it, I think depression is incredibly selfish ... especially when we, as Americans, live in such a blessed, modern and industrial society.  The opportunities, privileges and luxuries we enjoy cannot go unmentioned. The things I experience on a daily basis are incredible, yet...yet...yet waves of depression, disillusionment and even despair can come out of nowhere and engulf.  Why?  

Because depression is not logical.  It cannot be compartmentalized in my over-analytical mind. I can't just be "talked out of it."  And, I can't just "talk myself out of it."  I either have to wait it out and swim my way to the surface or I have to give it over to God.  Only He can change my heart, my mind, my irrational emotions.  Only He can take the mush of thoughts, reorganize them and show me the blessings I have.  He shows me the light at the end of the tunnel and reminds me that I am here to be the light.  And when I am the light, found through gratitude and faith, the darkness can't close in.  

2016 ...On Belay

As we enter 2016, it begs us to look back at the past year.  I think there is truth in the idea that as we get older the years go by quicker. As a kid years seemed to go on forever; waiting to change a grade, to move up a notch.   Now as an adult, an adult in my 50's, I want to slow things down a bit.  Take time to cherish every moment, to truly live in the moment. But what does that even mean? 

Life tells us to get the most out of everything.  Go for the gusto, seize the day. Carpe Diem! Maybe so. But as I look back on 2015, I find myself not so much thinking about what I experienced or got out of the year, but what God did and how He grew me. 2015 was a stormy year, full of change, turmoil and redirection. And as He always does, God brought me through. He stretched me and grew me.  He rebuked me and redirected me. Maybe not so much physically but certainly in my heart and mind.  I came out of 2015 with new perspective, viewing myself and others differently.  Maybe even with more grace, grace for others and grace for myself.  

The challenge now is to maintain that new perspective, the new found grace in 2016. Since 2015 saw me leaving full-time ministry and re-entering the secular workforce, I had to not only realign my life, but my thought process.  Outside of full time ministry, how is God using me? How is He working in me and through me?  Has my value to Him changed?  All good questions.  All simple answers. 

It doesn't matter where I am. God uses me when I make myself available to Him. When I am alert to who and what He places in my path. I am of value to Him.  So as we enter 2016, my prayer is that God continues to use me and grow me.  That I remain in Him.  On Belay God, I am yours. And the new year begins.

Pushing through life

Last Friday, I sat in a memorial service for my friend.  The day before, we stood silently as his ashes were locked behind a marble tablet at Mira Mar National Cemetery.  The tablet is currently blank with just a simple piece of paper affixed to it – Thomas A. Turner, Jr.  In 3-4 months, the tablet will be replaced with the permanent marker:

Thomas A. Turner, Jr. 

Lieutenant Colonel, USMC

3/1/43 – 10/18/15

“Thanks for dropping by, but I’m not here”

We placed the ashes and it was goodbye.  We had the memorial service and it was goodbye.  People spoke and shared what an amazing man Tom was.  It is incredible how one person can impact so many.  Tom, who was such a quiet and humble man, touched so many in significant and profound ways.  Each time I say goodbye to someone I love, a piece of my heart goes with them.  I piece I will never recover. But now it’s a goodbye and we push on.  

We push “through” life, moving forward, trying to better ourselves, trying to better our life. Part of that “betterment” is to constantly remind ourselves that there is always, always something to be thankful for.  No matter how good or bad life is, we need to wake up each day thankful for our life, because someone somewhere is desperately fighting for their life. Kind of a sobering thought.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Peace is not about a quiet life, it’s about knowing when to press into God to receive His peace in the midst of the storm.  We are called to appreciate what we have, instead of focusing on what we’ve lost. It’s not what the world takes away from us that counts; it’s what we do with what we have left that matters.

I recently found a great list of things to keep in mind.  Here’s my take on it: 

1. Pain is part of life.  We grow through pain.  Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward. And that’s a good thing because we often won’t move unless circumstances force us to. When times are tough, remind yourself that no pain comes without a purpose. Move on from what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there. Everything is going to come together; maybe not immediately, but eventually.  A great thing to repeat over and over in your head is that “God’s got this.”  A lot of pain comes from being in a fallen world, but God also shapes us through pain.  It is how He molds us.  There are two kinds of pain: pain that hurts and pain that changes you. When you roll with life, instead of resisting it, both kinds help you grow.

2. Everything in life is temporary. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you get hurt, you heal. After darkness there is always light – we are reminded of this every morning, but still we forget, and begin to believe that the night will last forever. It won’t. Nothing lasts forever.  If you are in a good place right now, enjoy it. It won’t last forever. If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either. Every breath gives you a new beginning and a new ending. You get a second chance, every second. Just because life isn’t easy at the moment, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh and it doesn’t mean you can’t look for the hidden blessing.  There is truth to the old adage that “every cloud has a silver lining.”

3. Worrying and complaining changes nothing. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least. It’s a cliché but … spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any brighter. Take action instead. Let what you’ve learned grow you. Happiness begins to arrive only when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have and the blessings God has given you. There is always, always something to be thankful for.

4. Your scars are symbols of your strength. Don’t ever be ashamed of the scars life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed. It means you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward. See your scars as a sign of strength, not pain.

5. Every struggle is a step forward.  Patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working towards a goal.  If you’re going to do something, go all in.  Otherwise, why start at all? I often think patience is a test of our determination, of how much we really want it.  And, struggles along the way are just rocks along the path.  The path is still clear and visible, we just have to sidestep the rocks. Struggles are not found on the path, they are the path.  Each struggle we overcome moves us further toward our goal.

6. Other people’s negativity is not your problem. Be positive when negativity surrounds you. Smile when others try to bring you down. It’s an easy way to maintain your enthusiasm and focus. Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are. You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them.  So worry about yourself before you worry about what others think.

7. What’s meant to be will eventually, BE.  True strength comes when you have much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead. There are blessings hidden in every struggle you face, but you have to be willing to see them. You can’t force things to happen.  My mother used to describe it as trying to force a river to run uphill.  At some point you have to let go and let what’s meant to be, BE.  Another way to say it is Let God be God.  He does it much better than we do.

8. The best thing you can do is to keep going. Don’t be afraid to get back up – to try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again. Don’t let loss or a hard lesson harden your heart. Life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times. There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t… morning will come. Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.

Life can be tough, even brutal, but you are tougher. Find the strength to laugh every day. Find the courage to be different.  In the end, loving your life is about trusting God, taking risks, losing and finding happiness, cherishing the memories, and learning through experience. It’s a long-term journey.  Bottom line is: You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.  Live simply. Love generously. Speak truthfully. Work diligently. Pray often.  Trust God. Keep growing.

And when we're gone, we're gone ....

“Nice of you to stop by, but I’m not here”

Come on people

I have serious things on my mind today. As anyone in Vista knows, there are huge apartments going in downtown.  Part of the redevelopment plan, those cool city looking apartments with retail spaces on the bottom and apartment living on top.  I kinda like these.  I've seen them in Escondido, Carlsbad etc and love that Vista is being progressive.  I've lived in Vista for 55 years, yes born here.  I even worked for the City of Vista for 13 years during my engineering life.  That said, Vista is not known for being progressive.  Though they are doing a good job lately.  But I'm sidetracked (yes shocking I know).  The new "city" apartments are at the foot of our street, Ocean View.   So every morning as we head to work, or errands or church.  We cruise to the bottom of our street, ready to make our left turn and square in front of us is Slicks Liquor, a Vista landmark, of sorts.  And in front of Slicks?   People from the new apartment hanging out .... in their pajamas!  Really??

Simple question .... when did it become ok to wear pajamas in public?  Why do these people feel the need to shuffle over early morning to Slicks.  I don't even want to know if it's for hot coffee, a frozen breakfast burrito or the hair of the dog who bit you. Some residents are just in robes.... fuzzy pink, fuzzy white, purple polka dots.  The purple polka dot lady is out throughout the day ... on her walker shuffling around in front of Slicks puffing on her cigarette.

Why people?  I believe this epidemic of public pajama wearing began with Walmart, but it appears to be widespread now.  I'm fond of looking up words.  Epidemic:  widespread occurrence of a particular undesirable phenomenon.  Pajamas at the grocery store, the bank, the post office,  the ballgame, the mall.

When and why did this become acceptable?  You are adults ... sometime each morning, we are supposed to brush our teeth, wash our face, maybe even shower, comb our hair and .... get dressed.  And NOT back into pajamas.  No one wants to see a grown woman wearing her Super Hero or Hello Kitty PJs at the grocery store. No one wants to see a grown man in Batman pajamas strolling the aisles at Home Depot. Put some pants on! There are a few exceptions that society will let slide, but not too many. In case you can't figure this out on your own, I found these helpful lists online.

Acceptable Pajama Wearing Locations:

• At your home
• At your friend's home during a sleepover
• At your Grandma's house
• At the hospital if you are a patient
• Going to get the mail (on your driveway, not at the post office)
• Doctor's office if you are very ill
• Walmart from 9 PM - 9 AM if buying cold medicine, toilet paper, or Kleenex
• Fast food restaurant if going through drive-thru
• Bank if going through drive-thru
• College Dorm
• At Bible-study (if the group approves / this ones for you Nicole!)

Non-Acceptable Pajama Wearing Locations:

• Church
• Court
• School (any age level!)
• College classes
• Inside fast food restaurants
• Grocery stores
• Nice restaurants
• Bars
• Bank
• Post office
• Work (unless you are in a sleep research lab!)
• Walmart between the hours of 9 AM to 9 PM
• The mall
• Target
• Any store!
• Your friend's house in daylight hours
• A wedding
• A wedding reception
• A funeral
• A hospital when visiting a patient (the nurse may try to escort you to the mental ward.)
• At the park
• At the beach

We've heard the phrase "pull up your big girl panties and get on with life."  Well, your big girl panties aren't red plaid, made from flannel, have cartoon characters or say 'juicy' across the butt.  These are not adult clothes. If you want to hang in front of Slicks liquor puffing your cigarette, put on some clothes.  S. Santa Fe has an average of 15,659 cars passing you each day (yes I looked it up), and I pass you twice ...  put on a t-shirt and some jeans, and be a part of society. 

The doors to heaven are open tonight...

When I write, it is my time to talk to God.  It's how I process, how I express, how I absorb the world around me. I never really know if my meanderings are helpful to the reader, but I sometimes think when you know someone else is going thru or seeing things in the same way you are, it helps.

I also generally want my writing to be uplifting and encouraging, but there are times in life when that’s just not possible. We all have what my mom used to call “dark nights of the soul.” We all have times of pain, times of grief, times of despair. 

A few weeks ago I posted about my dear friend, Tom.  To repeat a little bit:  

Ten years ago, we asked Tom and Barbara for their blessing and support as we launched the Military ministry at North Coast Church.  For 10 years, Tom came to almost every event, every activity. He made coffee, emptied trash and did KP duty. Tom is a retired Lieutenant Colonel, did I mention that?  Did I mention that the man who quietly, with the most gracious servant’s heart emptied the trash at every military breakfast is a retired Lieutenant Colonel and Viet Nam veteran? He became my advisor, my mentor, my friend.

My father was a career Marine.  He was just a career Marine that had his career cut short.  He died in Viet Nam in 1965, when I was 5.  He was 32.  He was a Captain. For you Marines – he was a Mustang.  I don’t remember his voice.  I don’t remember his smell, his walk, his mannerisms, his laugh or even his temper.  I don’t remember him.  But as I have grown to know Tom, I have grown to hope that this is the type is man my father would have been if he had been granted a longer life.  A man of character, of integrity, of grace, a man of God and a man for God.  A man who serves with a quiet heart.  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard Tom call me by name.  He always calls me “sweet girl.”  I’m sure he calls others the same, but I choose to think this term is entirely reserved for me.

In July, Tom was diagnosed with MDS (myelodysplastic syndrome.)  Simply, it’s cancer of the blood.  Three weeks ago, it progressed to Acute Leukemia. He has been in the hospital 4 weeks and two days.

Tomorrow I will lose my friend.  Or maybe it was yesterday when he slipped into a world apart from the one we know.  Or maybe it was today when he went further down the road into a place where we could no longer reach him.  But tomorrow, after weeks of treatment, weeks of hanging on, his body will no longer inhale.  It is very seriel to know this.  It seems to be too much knowledge to know when someone will die.  

It is an extraordinary thing to witness the transformation of body to spirit.  To see a life lived become something else, something intangible, become a memory. I had a similar experience watching my mother die. It is so difficult standing by as someone leaves this world.  At a point, everything in this world is shut out and it becomes such a personal and private journey between them and God.  I've come to believe to bear witness to a loved one’s death is an extraordinary gift, an honor. It’s a gift from the person, to witness the incredible intimacy between them and God, and the further realization that this world we hold so dear is so temporary.  This life we struggle with, fight over, and hang onto is just a blink of an eye in eternity.

Recognizing the God piece and wandering down the unknown pathways and spiritual what-ifs, doesn't by any means lesson the pain and anguish of losing someone you hold dear. I am losing my friend, my mentor, my "father."  I have a peach, nectarine and apricot tree in my yard, because Tom and I share the love of gardening.  I loved to watch him, hands in pockets, stroll through my garden taking in my latest projects or DIY experimentations.  But there are so many things I love about Tom.  And so many details I'll miss.  I never knew my father, so I never knew what to miss.  I only missed "having a father" ... until Tom came into my life.  Saying goodbye to Tom ...

I will never again see him selflessly serve,

I will miss sharing gardening secrets,

I won’t get to serve him Father’s Day brunch on my patio,

I won't get to see his love of my cooking, especially my enchiladas,

I won’t hear his laugh,

I won't be witness to the incredible and sweet adoration of "his girlfriend" who he has been married to for 44 years.

I will miss how he always asks permission to hug me, 

I will miss how honored he is when I hug him first,

I will miss knowing a man of such Godly character, honesty, integrity, and valor

I will miss his voice calling me "sweet girl"

What is the sound of a heart breaking?  It is losing a father again.  It is the sound of a flood of tears hitting the floor.  It is the sound of a too quiet hospital room.  

Semper Fi Tom A. Turner, Jr.   You are an exceptional man among men, a good and faithful servant, and the doors to heaven are wide open tonight.  I love you.

Can you hear a heart break?

Can you hear a heart break? I think maybe you can.  I have a story to share with you.  10 years ago, almost to the day …. Mick and I joined a new Growth Group.  This was a powerful group, certainly not our peers.  These were “seasoned” Christians, they knew the bible, knew scripture, debated points and at times challenged the teaching pastors!!  Are you even allowed to do that??  We were “baby” Christians and honestly, they sort of freaked us out but we soaked it up.  Within the group were Tom and Barbara.  They are some 10+ years our seniors.  Barbara is outgoing, caring and sassy. Tom is quiet, serious and witty. Six months after we met them, we went thru a serious financial hit.  One day we came home to a simple card with an “anonymous” $500 check to bless us and help us thru.  This was our first experience with Christian grace. We were somewhat dumbfounded that someone would just send us $500.  They told us when we were back on our feet to just pass it on.  Over the years, we have passed it on many, many times over.

Plus, the following summer as our situation improved and God was prompting us into ministry, we took $500 of seed money and began the military ministry at North Coast Church, which we lead for almost 10 years.  It is now a thriving ministry of over 800 adults both local and overseas. Before we launched the ministry, we went to Tom and Barbara and asked for their blessing and asked if they would support us in the ministry.  For 10 years Barbara led Military wives bible studies and attended events and for 10 years Tom came to almost every event, made coffee, empty trash and did KP duty.

A quick note on Barbara.  Over the years, I have grown to love, admire and most importantly rely on Barbara.  She is a friend, a mentor and my wise counsel.  Two years ago she was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and went thru multiple procedures and a pretty invasive surgery.  I sat at the hospital with her, prayed with her, questioned her doctors and kept a watchful eye on her nurses. Two years later, she is still cancer free and has adapted to her new norm.

But this story is about Tom. I guess I should have warned you that this might be a bit long.  Tom is a retired Lieutenant Colonel, did I mention that?  Did I mention that the man who quietly, with the most gracious servant’s heart emptied the trash at every military breakfast is a retired Lieutenant Colonel? My father was a career Marine.  He was just a career Marine that had his career cut short.  He died in Viet Nam in 1965, when I was 5.  He was 32.  He was a Captain. For you Marines – he was a Mustang.  I don’t remember his voice.  I don’t remember his smell, his walk, his mannerisms, his laugh or even his temper.  I don’t remember him.  But as I have grown to know Tom, I have grown to hope that this is the type is man my father would have been.  A man of character, of integrity, of grace, a man of God and a man for God.  A man who serves with a quiet heart.  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard Tom call me by name.  He always calls me “sweet girl.”  I’m sure he calls others the same, but I choose to think this is reserved for me only.

Recently, Tom was diagnosed with MDS (myelodysplastic syndrome.)  MDS is a bone marrow disorder where the bone marrow doesn't produce enough healthy blood cells. Simply, it’s cancer of the blood.  It is the precursor to the worst kind of Leukemia. He started chemo on Labor Day. The chemo will not cure the MDS, it may not even slow it down.  It is only an effort to keep it from moving to Acute Leukemia. Quite simply, to survive, Tom has to have a bone marrow transplant - sooner than later.

This is the part where I boldly and unabashedly ask you to consider being tested to be a donor.  Testing to be a donor is as simple as swab in the mouth.  It puts you in the National Registry to save a life….not just Tom’s life, but any life. In another week, Tom’s bone marrow “chaser” will be in the registry every day looking for a match, maybe and prayerfully yours! Donating can be as simple as a very-long version of giving blood. 70% of all patients in need of bone marrow transplants must find a matching donor outside of their family.  Without the transplant, they will die.  Without the transplant, I will lose my friend.  I will never again see him selflessly serve, I won’t get to serve him Father’s Day brunch on my patio, I won’t hear his laugh and he won’t call me sweet girl.  What is the sound of a heart breaking?  It is losing a second father. It is the sound of a tear hitting the floor.

Bone Marrow Drive (only requirement is 18-45 years old)
Saturday, September 26
10am – 3pm
Parking Lot next to Chick Fil A – Oceanside
3475 Marron Rd, Oceanside, CA 92056

If you are not in the area – go the Nation Registry – you can test on behalf of Tom Turner:
https://bethematch.org or  http://www.deletebloodcancer.org

Any questions, ask me:  deb.bostwick@gmail.com