Moving my Blog

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The road to hell is paved with plum trees

A little backstory is necessary to properly set the stage. When my father died, by my mother's own admission, she gave up cleaning and to some degree cooking.  I don't know what her housekeeping was like when he was alive, but over time, it became less and less.  The kitchen became a place to paint and build elaborate stage scenery for dance recitals, or to fashion life size skeletons for elementary school Halloween carnivals.  There wasn't a lot of room for cooking. Growing up I remember my mom making tacos, chili, pork chops smothered in mushroom soup and the occasional luxury of rib eye steak on the BBQ.  The only time we ever saw a vegetable was at Thanksgiving where green beans would appear. I don't recall baking though I have a slight recollection of toll house cookies, but that may well have been my sister or my contribution. I'm sure we ate, as weight was never an issue for any of us, but I don't recall what. As years went by, we moved out and mom became more I'm going to say delightfully eccentric. Her meals varied between Jack in the Box and KFC. 

We lived in a house purchased by my mom and dad, or more accurately my dad, while my mother was in the hospital at Camp Pendleton having me. We had a large yard which was home to two lemon trees, a loquat tree and a plum tree. We'd regularly make lemonade properly loaded with lots of lovely white refined sugar.  The loquat tree, would bear a huge harvest of the small golden fruits, primarily adding color to the yard and food for the birds. On occasion while in the yard we'd eat one or two. And then there was the plum tree.  It was large and it was robust; putting out bushels of plums.  To which my non-cooking, non-domestic mom made tons of plum jelly.

Fast forward: when Mick and I moved into our home, it was so exciting to plant our little orchard. A peach tree, apricot, nectarine, orange, two lemon trees (of course), lime, cherry, kumquat, loquat and two plum trees.  The trees are now mature and this year our plum tree was robust creating memories of mom and her plum jelly. So in my infinite wisdom, I researched the Internet, found a recipe, bought Ball canning jars and the sad, sad story begins.

Last Sunday, Mick and I traipse up the hill with my bucket to collect plums.  The little bucket filled in no time, so down the hill to grab two 5-Gallon Home Depot buckets.  We promptly hauled some 40lbs of ripe plums down the hill.  We tucked them away in the laundry room, hoping against hope that they wouldn't rot before I could get to them.  Four days later, I spend two hours perched on a stool sorting out any now-too-ripe plums while Mick runs to the store to secure bags of ice.  The plums are now safely stored in iced coolers until the weekend.  And Saturday arrives ... it jam day!!

Now mom made jelly and half the people I know have at some time made jelly.  Different from my mom, I cook, regularly and pretty well ... yup this will be a breeze.  Plus, I found a great recipe that uses 1/2 the sugar and you leave the skins on.  I've got this.  Question - Have you ever pitted 40 pounds of plums? Or 40 pounds of anything for that matter?  It started in the kitchen standing at the counter, big cutting board in place, music in the background ... 5 plums in (5, not 5 pounds, 5!), I thought are you kidding me?  This can't be for real, people actually do this? And enjoy it?  Fast forward an hour and I'm 5lbs in, starting to feel some confidence. Oh but wait there are still 35lbs in the cooler.  Four more hours, I've brought a stool into the kitchen and I'm feeling the pain.

5 hours, 6 hours, 7 hours ... I’m hunched over the sink, sweat dripping in my eyes, working on the last of the plums. I am determined to complete this preparation trainwreck. Did I mention this was one of the hottest days of the year so far? Temperature pushing 90 and no I don’t have air conditioning. Did I mention it's 40lbs of plums. 40! At this point there is plum juice, plum peal and plum meat all over the sink, the counter, the kitchen window, the back door, the floor, the dog, and oh yeah, me. Three days later my fingernails still look like I work as a car mechanic. Ah but now the prep is done and it only took 8 hours. Finally, finally, finally ... now the fun part.  

Yes, because I have no idea what I am doing, I pull out my ultra-big stock pot.  You know like you cook lobsters in!  In go the plums, sugar and lemon juice.  Let the boiling commence, and commence, and commence.  Did I mention it is the hottest weekend of the year?  Temperature now in the 100’s and I have a GIANT boiling pot on the stove, casting steam and heat all over my little house.  After roughly 4 hours of non-productive boiling, it comes to my attention that my pot is too big …. that must be it!  Transfer all to 3 separate pots ... splash/splash plums on the stove.  Ah, much better, now I have 3 boiling pots on my stove.  Heat, heat, steam, steam. Boil, boil toil and trouble! Boil, boil into the night. 

Boil, boil toil and trouble

Plums abound in days so hot

Making jam, recipe double

Cooking, cooking but jelling not

Juice and skin on the wall

Everything purple, sticky and sweet

Never ending, but who to call? 

Google this, google that, not even a tweet

It is now one week since we innocently picked those dastardly plums. Unknowing that our life would be consumed for a week.  Unknowing that we'd stand for hours upon hours, doubled over in pain and sweat, pitting plums. Unknowing that my kitchen would have purple plum stains literally everywhere.  Unknowing that my pasta pots would die a slow death under the spell of the plums. Unknowing that the "healthy" recipes using less sugar and no pectin, fail to mention THAT THE JAM NEVER JELLS!! HELLO!  

I give up, I don't know how mom did it.  And I no longer care.  Please people, friends and family...don't send me your grandmas recipe or your success stories.  I'm done. Yes I bottled the plum concoction, set or not, it's done.  I have effectively bottled 22 pints - some are plum preserves, some are plum syrup. Moral of the story, if things don't turn out exactly as planned, change your expectations and move on with your life. Plum Syrup it is! And it's spectacular. 

And me, well back to what I know the best.  I've repurposed my plum boiling/used to be pasta pots into great succulent pots .... don't think I'll be using them again for canning anytime soon. 

Champions released...

I think I've always been passionate about seeing lives change.  Today I got to see seven friends graduate from a program that raises up leaders.  Leaders in business, leaders in families, leaders in life. It unveils  a new perspective of life.  I purposely say "of life." It's bigger than "in life."  It's a global perspective of passion, drive, integrity and grit. Two and a half days of being raw, being real, digging down deep to discover and unleash the champion within.

Mick and I had the privilege of sponsoring 4 people in this months training. Two are leaders in ministry.  Young men who God placed on our hearts to invest in.  It was God saying, "I have plans for these men but I need more.  I need them to be the best that they can be. I'll provide the way, you get them there.'  So we did.  And they did.  And God did.

We also sponsored two of our "kids."   These were of course young adults from our growth group. It's hard to explain the feeling I have watching them go through something so foundational for the rest of their lives. To step out empowered, courageous and focused. Focused on being the best they can be. To be in the top 3%, to be a champion in all they do. Lives changed. Legacies changed. Oh the places they will go.

So 15 new graduates from BOLD: Advanced Leadership unleashed on the world. Impact.  It's hard to explain what's it's like to go through. It's just as hard to express the feeling of pride seeing people you care about experience the process and become better versions of themselves. God is on the move!

Go Big or Go Home

Be the change you want to see.  This is a great concept but do we actually have the power and self-direction to go forth in the world and make change. Are we ready? And even more so, are we willing?  And to change the world, we may well need to first change ourselves. Whether personal or professional, individual change involves humility and sacrifice. Not to mention, putting forth the effort to change oneself or to change the world always exacts a price. I've always loved the quote:  "Real change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing."  I've seen this quote accredited to Tony Robbins, Henry Cloud, and a host of other writers and inspirational speakers.  So I think I’ll now take credit for it ... since it's not clear where the quote was initiated, but obviously they are all directly speaking about my life.

At this juncture of my life, I can look back and see it as a series of intentional deconstructions and reconstructions, or wildly abandoned demolitions followed by systematic rebuilding. I've had pretty much one season per decade, each representing an important turning point and significant growth.  Each period of growth has launched me into a new season, an intellectually, emotionally and spiritually healthier season.  If I am doing it right, trusting the growth, leaning into the change, then looking at my present after each transition, I should see more health. More wholeness. Isn't that how it should work?

In any case, the release of old patterns, old lifestyles awakens us into greater wholeness and well-being. A similar quote by Anaïs Nin says...  "the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."  This perfectly encapsulates the process. 

Yes, for a while as I continue to process the BOLD experience and adapt to new growth, you will periodically, and possibly continually, hear about the program. Going through BOLD: Advanced leadership, I was catapulted into change, lead directly into a position to blossom.  To my surprise, and certainly to the surprise of others, I found myself impacted by emotion. By my own internal emotions - something that does not come often with me. Multiple times I'd try to say something and the words would get stuck in my throat and I had to collect myself to articulate my thoughts. This is change. Without truly knowing it, I have always been guarded and a bit wary; suspicious of looking outside of myself for happiness and well being. To do that you have to trust others....never been my strong suit. So much easier to just trust yourself, whether you succeed or fail, it’s all in you. There was a moment at BOLD, as I sat in the horseshoe circle, I realized that I was being fully accepted. No one was judging me. No one was thinking less of me.  Everyone was rooting for me, for my success, my processes, my personal growth. Fifteen "strangers" were quietly and compassionately being there for me. We were a team in transition, all of us having decided that the risk of remaining closed to each other was greater than the risk of opening up. How often does that happen in life?  Not a lot in my experience. 

I think it's fascinating that the very act of communicating with others can bring me into a more intimate contact with myself. The moment in which I started to open up to others was the moment in which I opened up to myself and acknowledged, and thereby removed, my personal roadblocks. To move forward boldly, we must remove our own roadblocks or walls. Of course, we live in era of reinvention.  Don't like who you are, what you look like or how you perform, change it.  A quote credited to Nelson Mandela goes something like this: "It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. A son or daughter of the King. You playing small does not serve the world. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  Whether Mandela actually said it or not doesn’t matter, it is truth. Want to see change? Do something!

     “The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would be enough to solve most of the world’s problems.”

When I suggest you help change the world, I'm not talking about planet Earth. I'm referring to the world that exists in your own head. You will not change the world if you don't change your own world, your own perception, first.  Take a step. It’s time to play big. Change yourself and just watch how the world around you starts to change. I just might adopt a new motto:  Play Big or Go Home.

Nice to Meet You

Locked in a room with 14 strangers in the mountains of East LA, on the border of San Bernardino ... our mission - find the champion within us. No cell service, so internet, just bugs and crickets plus, a random coyote, a tailless lizard and a mouse. Day 1" begins at 5:30 with dinner followed by Session 1.  A 3-day exploration - digging deep - who am I, where am I in life and most importantly why am I? What am I about?

As I reflect on the last year, there is a miss, a gaping hole that I’ve been staring into for 16 months.  Where is the passion, the enthusiasm?  What do I get enthusiastic about, what creates a burning desire within me?  It used to be work - certainly.  With every job I've had, I've been all in, fully committed, driven to the 100th degree. But as I age, as I've changed careers for the 4th time, beginning my 5th decade of work, I find myself floundering with my "why."   I like the work I do.  I love the people I do it with.  But I lack passion.  I blame my job change, the work I do, the weather, my body, my energy level .... blame, blame, blame.

But it's me.  I've lost focus.  I’ve taken my eye off the ball, heck I can’t even find the ball.  After leaving my 10-year job at North Coast church, I wrote about this feeling of disconnect. Somehow like I broke up with God. The feeling of leaving ministry, stepping out of His calling … because I no longer have a church extension, church email or church desk.  Seriously?  I know the answers - God uses us, God uses me.  He just wants me to land and get my eyes back on Him, so he can do work through me (yes, and you, so listen up!)

Anyway back to the 3-day journey.  I am now on day three.  Yes, it has taken 2 days to write the top three paragraphs.  A journey is not the word to use.  Maybe a passage ... almost like a rite of passage. From one self to another self. I have blogged for 5-6 years, possibly more.  I have never noticed but I always speak in second person ... what happens when "you", God wants "you" to ... but today I realized to show you my heart, to speak from my experience ... it has to be "me."    I write this blog so you can hear my voice, from my heart, from my experience, from my view and in my opinion. Nice to meet you. I am me.

Next to giving my life to Jesus, this 3-day rite of passage was easily the most powerful 3 days of my life. It is hard to put into words.  The program is called BOLD: Advanced Leadership.  Yes, those who know me, say I don't really need to be bolder.  Yet I do need to be more authentic. Coming into the program, I had to describe myself in 3 words.  One I chose was authentic.  I didn't know I was authentic with walls.  Three days later I am authentic with the walls torn down, speaking from the heart, from my soul, reaching the core of who I am.  And no, it's not the least bit scary…anymore.  Again, nice to meet you.

It's hard to explain how over time, I have lost my voice. My desire to be heard has been encapsulated in stories, in opinions, in attitudes and even in truth.  But truths that don’t reach down deep; that don’t come from the depths within.  And then there is the heart.  I honestly can’t remember a time that my heart wasn’t closed off – protected beyond necessity.  I was raised by a mother that had huge walls built around her.  Her life was tough, tougher than most. Raised during WWII era in Kansas City, she grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.  Seven step-fathers, with all the atrocities that come with that, her childhood was harsh. Married to my father for just over 12 years, only to lose him to the Vietnam War. For self-preservation, she sealed her heart off, building walls of protection, only providing glimpses over the years.  I think in many ways; I was raised seeking the same protection but without the same catalyst.

There is a you-tube Ted Talk where Simon Sinek talks about your “why.”  Without your “why” you can never truly achieve your goals.  People don’t respond to what you do, they respond to why you do it.

So now sitting at the end of the 3-day BOLD experience, I come from a new place.  A new place within myself.  I have reclaimed my heart, reclaimed me.  No embarrassment, no fear, no hesitation.  “All in” is a new way of life, a new focus.  This blog is written with an open-heart, a strong voice and clear why. Nice to meet you.

To All Mothers ...

Happy Mothers Day to all the women in my life who give daily to their children. Who enjoy the love of a child, the heartbreak and the struggles. To sleepless nights, hospital stays and ER runs. To soccer games, piano recitals and dance classes. To snuggles, art projects and homework. To sacrificial love known only by a mother - Agape.

And, to all the mothers in my life to know the anguish of lost motherhood. To have carried a child for a week, a month or into life, only to... lose that child. I firmly believe there is no greater heartbreak in this life than the loss of a child; whether the loss came before your child took their first breath, or as you stood helplessly by as your child took their last breath.

And, to all the mothers who never carried, raised or brought a child into this world. Who know what it is to try, and try again, yet experience the "not meant to be" heartbreak. Who hear the words Happy Mothers Day and feel the stab of pain, that lessens over the years, but never completely goes away. But at the same time have been there to love and support other mothers as they raise their children. To stand in the gap in prayer and in place when called upon. To be the designated mother to many, if and when God sees fit.

To all women who have the eternal flame of nurturing, this is a day about who you are. To your very core, as God uniquely designed you. Designed you to care for, encourage and guide others to adultness, to wholeness and to Godliness. To all mothers, in actuality or in deed, shine bright and celebrate who you are.

And, to my mother ... your light stills shines bright, never extinguished and never forgotten.

Patriotism in the middle of nowhere

I am 56 and have an over-abundance of patriotism.  Saturday we drove along Route 25 from Las Cruses New Mexico to Albuquerque to catch a flight home.  We chose a quick detour and drove through Truth or Consequences because seriously, why wouldn't you? The little town, once called Hot Springs, runs parallel to the Rio Grand and is the county seat of Sierra County. I'm not sure if at one point the Rio Grand was a robust river or maybe at a different time of year the waters run strong, but on this February 27th, there wasn't much majestic about the famous river way.  

As we cruised through the little town, scattered with a mixture of old and new buildings, we stumbled upon Veterans Memorial Park. This relatively large park housed one of the half-scale traveling Vietnam walls, complete with my fathers name on the first panel.  The wall purchased by Truth or Consequence traveled the U.S. for three years before retiring in this memorial park.  A large brick and concrete walk, shaped in the star of the Congressional Medal of Honor, is deemed the Walk of Education ... and it was. Marble monuments stationed along the path, one for each war and military action since 1775 to Afghanistan, commemorated the story, intent, beginning and end of each conflict. Carved in stone were the number of lives lost and lives wounded.  It was quite powerful to walk in the dry heat of New Mexico, somewhat in the middle of nowhere, a place called Truth or Consequence and be struck by the immensity of lives lost and bodies wounded in the pursuit of democracy.  I literally can never see the following phrase without chills...

And then, and then, I feel disappointed and so concerned as I watch the state of the country and the election proceedings we are all witnessing.  I never jump in the arena on Facebook. I never express my political opinions on Social Media. But how can you stand in a place, in small town middle America, which honors those lost, wounded and never found and not feel embarrassed by the actions of those stepping up to lead this country?  In 240 years, over 1.1 million men and women have given their lives for the freedoms of America....paid the ultimate sacrifice. Double that have been wounded, returning to families and loved ones with visible wounds and in many cases worse invisible wounds. And of course, we currently have thousands of men and women standing in harms way, fighting for God and country, defending democracy.  As this takes place, we have grown men and women, intelligent, powerful, educated men and women making a mockery of our system.  Asking the American public to pick the best of the worst.  Is this what men have died for? They paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we can watch men and women in suits mud wrestle slinging insults, telling lies, innuendos and half-truths. Seriously?  

As I said at the beginning of this blog, I have a ridiculous amount of patriotism.  I run red, white and blue.  I was raised to believe in God and country.  The men I have respected most in my life are/were Marines and Navy. Losing my father at 5 years old, I was raised to believe when men or women put on the uniform, they became heroes.  To serve and protect, to defend.  Men or women of honor, courage and faith. I am embarrassed that I am asking them to follow a future commander and chief who thinks nothing more of our system that it being a public forum to hurl insults, make jokes and demean others. Thus far, democrat or republic, the debates should be shown on day time TV, up against the Jerry Springer show.

As I walked the path of the Congressional Star honoring the men and women who make my life great, I was nothing more than saddened and embarrassed by the election I am currently witnessing.  To all the candidates - grow up.  Have some honor, decency and integrity. A lot of men and women shed blood to put you where you are.