Pushing through life

Last Friday, I sat in a memorial service for my friend.  The day before, we stood silently as his ashes were locked behind a marble tablet at Mira Mar National Cemetery.  The tablet is currently blank with just a simple piece of paper affixed to it – Thomas A. Turner, Jr.  In 3-4 months, the tablet will be replaced with the permanent marker:

Thomas A. Turner, Jr. 

Lieutenant Colonel, USMC

3/1/43 – 10/18/15

“Thanks for dropping by, but I’m not here”

We placed the ashes and it was goodbye.  We had the memorial service and it was goodbye.  People spoke and shared what an amazing man Tom was.  It is incredible how one person can impact so many.  Tom, who was such a quiet and humble man, touched so many in significant and profound ways.  Each time I say goodbye to someone I love, a piece of my heart goes with them.  I piece I will never recover. But now it’s a goodbye and we push on.  

We push “through” life, moving forward, trying to better ourselves, trying to better our life. Part of that “betterment” is to constantly remind ourselves that there is always, always something to be thankful for.  No matter how good or bad life is, we need to wake up each day thankful for our life, because someone somewhere is desperately fighting for their life. Kind of a sobering thought.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Peace is not about a quiet life, it’s about knowing when to press into God to receive His peace in the midst of the storm.  We are called to appreciate what we have, instead of focusing on what we’ve lost. It’s not what the world takes away from us that counts; it’s what we do with what we have left that matters.

I recently found a great list of things to keep in mind.  Here’s my take on it: 

1. Pain is part of life.  We grow through pain.  Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward. And that’s a good thing because we often won’t move unless circumstances force us to. When times are tough, remind yourself that no pain comes without a purpose. Move on from what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there. Everything is going to come together; maybe not immediately, but eventually.  A great thing to repeat over and over in your head is that “God’s got this.”  A lot of pain comes from being in a fallen world, but God also shapes us through pain.  It is how He molds us.  There are two kinds of pain: pain that hurts and pain that changes you. When you roll with life, instead of resisting it, both kinds help you grow.

2. Everything in life is temporary. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you get hurt, you heal. After darkness there is always light – we are reminded of this every morning, but still we forget, and begin to believe that the night will last forever. It won’t. Nothing lasts forever.  If you are in a good place right now, enjoy it. It won’t last forever. If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either. Every breath gives you a new beginning and a new ending. You get a second chance, every second. Just because life isn’t easy at the moment, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh and it doesn’t mean you can’t look for the hidden blessing.  There is truth to the old adage that “every cloud has a silver lining.”

3. Worrying and complaining changes nothing. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least. It’s a cliché but … spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any brighter. Take action instead. Let what you’ve learned grow you. Happiness begins to arrive only when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have and the blessings God has given you. There is always, always something to be thankful for.

4. Your scars are symbols of your strength. Don’t ever be ashamed of the scars life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed. It means you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward. See your scars as a sign of strength, not pain.

5. Every struggle is a step forward.  Patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working towards a goal.  If you’re going to do something, go all in.  Otherwise, why start at all? I often think patience is a test of our determination, of how much we really want it.  And, struggles along the way are just rocks along the path.  The path is still clear and visible, we just have to sidestep the rocks. Struggles are not found on the path, they are the path.  Each struggle we overcome moves us further toward our goal.

6. Other people’s negativity is not your problem. Be positive when negativity surrounds you. Smile when others try to bring you down. It’s an easy way to maintain your enthusiasm and focus. Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are. You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them.  So worry about yourself before you worry about what others think.

7. What’s meant to be will eventually, BE.  True strength comes when you have much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead. There are blessings hidden in every struggle you face, but you have to be willing to see them. You can’t force things to happen.  My mother used to describe it as trying to force a river to run uphill.  At some point you have to let go and let what’s meant to be, BE.  Another way to say it is Let God be God.  He does it much better than we do.

8. The best thing you can do is to keep going. Don’t be afraid to get back up – to try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again. Don’t let loss or a hard lesson harden your heart. Life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times. There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t… morning will come. Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.

Life can be tough, even brutal, but you are tougher. Find the strength to laugh every day. Find the courage to be different.  In the end, loving your life is about trusting God, taking risks, losing and finding happiness, cherishing the memories, and learning through experience. It’s a long-term journey.  Bottom line is: You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be.  Live simply. Love generously. Speak truthfully. Work diligently. Pray often.  Trust God. Keep growing.

And when we're gone, we're gone ....

“Nice of you to stop by, but I’m not here”

Come on people

I have serious things on my mind today. As anyone in Vista knows, there are huge apartments going in downtown.  Part of the redevelopment plan, those cool city looking apartments with retail spaces on the bottom and apartment living on top.  I kinda like these.  I've seen them in Escondido, Carlsbad etc and love that Vista is being progressive.  I've lived in Vista for 55 years, yes born here.  I even worked for the City of Vista for 13 years during my engineering life.  That said, Vista is not known for being progressive.  Though they are doing a good job lately.  But I'm sidetracked (yes shocking I know).  The new "city" apartments are at the foot of our street, Ocean View.   So every morning as we head to work, or errands or church.  We cruise to the bottom of our street, ready to make our left turn and square in front of us is Slicks Liquor, a Vista landmark, of sorts.  And in front of Slicks?   People from the new apartment hanging out .... in their pajamas!  Really??

Simple question .... when did it become ok to wear pajamas in public?  Why do these people feel the need to shuffle over early morning to Slicks.  I don't even want to know if it's for hot coffee, a frozen breakfast burrito or the hair of the dog who bit you. Some residents are just in robes.... fuzzy pink, fuzzy white, purple polka dots.  The purple polka dot lady is out throughout the day ... on her walker shuffling around in front of Slicks puffing on her cigarette.

Why people?  I believe this epidemic of public pajama wearing began with Walmart, but it appears to be widespread now.  I'm fond of looking up words.  Epidemic:  widespread occurrence of a particular undesirable phenomenon.  Pajamas at the grocery store, the bank, the post office,  the ballgame, the mall.

When and why did this become acceptable?  You are adults ... sometime each morning, we are supposed to brush our teeth, wash our face, maybe even shower, comb our hair and .... get dressed.  And NOT back into pajamas.  No one wants to see a grown woman wearing her Super Hero or Hello Kitty PJs at the grocery store. No one wants to see a grown man in Batman pajamas strolling the aisles at Home Depot. Put some pants on! There are a few exceptions that society will let slide, but not too many. In case you can't figure this out on your own, I found these helpful lists online.

Acceptable Pajama Wearing Locations:

• At your home
• At your friend's home during a sleepover
• At your Grandma's house
• At the hospital if you are a patient
• Going to get the mail (on your driveway, not at the post office)
• Doctor's office if you are very ill
• Walmart from 9 PM - 9 AM if buying cold medicine, toilet paper, or Kleenex
• Fast food restaurant if going through drive-thru
• Bank if going through drive-thru
• College Dorm
• At Bible-study (if the group approves / this ones for you Nicole!)

Non-Acceptable Pajama Wearing Locations:

• Church
• Court
• School (any age level!)
• College classes
• Inside fast food restaurants
• Grocery stores
• Nice restaurants
• Bars
• Bank
• Post office
• Work (unless you are in a sleep research lab!)
• Walmart between the hours of 9 AM to 9 PM
• The mall
• Target
• Any store!
• Your friend's house in daylight hours
• A wedding
• A wedding reception
• A funeral
• A hospital when visiting a patient (the nurse may try to escort you to the mental ward.)
• At the park
• At the beach

We've heard the phrase "pull up your big girl panties and get on with life."  Well, your big girl panties aren't red plaid, made from flannel, have cartoon characters or say 'juicy' across the butt.  These are not adult clothes. If you want to hang in front of Slicks liquor puffing your cigarette, put on some clothes.  S. Santa Fe has an average of 15,659 cars passing you each day (yes I looked it up), and I pass you twice ...  put on a t-shirt and some jeans, and be a part of society. 

The doors to heaven are open tonight...

When I write, it is my time to talk to God.  It's how I process, how I express, how I absorb the world around me. I never really know if my meanderings are helpful to the reader, but I sometimes think when you know someone else is going thru or seeing things in the same way you are, it helps.

I also generally want my writing to be uplifting and encouraging, but there are times in life when that’s just not possible. We all have what my mom used to call “dark nights of the soul.” We all have times of pain, times of grief, times of despair. 

A few weeks ago I posted about my dear friend, Tom.  To repeat a little bit:  

Ten years ago, we asked Tom and Barbara for their blessing and support as we launched the Military ministry at North Coast Church.  For 10 years, Tom came to almost every event, every activity. He made coffee, emptied trash and did KP duty. Tom is a retired Lieutenant Colonel, did I mention that?  Did I mention that the man who quietly, with the most gracious servant’s heart emptied the trash at every military breakfast is a retired Lieutenant Colonel and Viet Nam veteran? He became my advisor, my mentor, my friend.

My father was a career Marine.  He was just a career Marine that had his career cut short.  He died in Viet Nam in 1965, when I was 5.  He was 32.  He was a Captain. For you Marines – he was a Mustang.  I don’t remember his voice.  I don’t remember his smell, his walk, his mannerisms, his laugh or even his temper.  I don’t remember him.  But as I have grown to know Tom, I have grown to hope that this is the type is man my father would have been if he had been granted a longer life.  A man of character, of integrity, of grace, a man of God and a man for God.  A man who serves with a quiet heart.  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard Tom call me by name.  He always calls me “sweet girl.”  I’m sure he calls others the same, but I choose to think this term is entirely reserved for me.

In July, Tom was diagnosed with MDS (myelodysplastic syndrome.)  Simply, it’s cancer of the blood.  Three weeks ago, it progressed to Acute Leukemia. He has been in the hospital 4 weeks and two days.

Tomorrow I will lose my friend.  Or maybe it was yesterday when he slipped into a world apart from the one we know.  Or maybe it was today when he went further down the road into a place where we could no longer reach him.  But tomorrow, after weeks of treatment, weeks of hanging on, his body will no longer inhale.  It is very seriel to know this.  It seems to be too much knowledge to know when someone will die.  

It is an extraordinary thing to witness the transformation of body to spirit.  To see a life lived become something else, something intangible, become a memory. I had a similar experience watching my mother die. It is so difficult standing by as someone leaves this world.  At a point, everything in this world is shut out and it becomes such a personal and private journey between them and God.  I've come to believe to bear witness to a loved one’s death is an extraordinary gift, an honor. It’s a gift from the person, to witness the incredible intimacy between them and God, and the further realization that this world we hold so dear is so temporary.  This life we struggle with, fight over, and hang onto is just a blink of an eye in eternity.

Recognizing the God piece and wandering down the unknown pathways and spiritual what-ifs, doesn't by any means lesson the pain and anguish of losing someone you hold dear. I am losing my friend, my mentor, my "father."  I have a peach, nectarine and apricot tree in my yard, because Tom and I share the love of gardening.  I loved to watch him, hands in pockets, stroll through my garden taking in my latest projects or DIY experimentations.  But there are so many things I love about Tom.  And so many details I'll miss.  I never knew my father, so I never knew what to miss.  I only missed "having a father" ... until Tom came into my life.  Saying goodbye to Tom ...

I will never again see him selflessly serve,

I will miss sharing gardening secrets,

I won’t get to serve him Father’s Day brunch on my patio,

I won't get to see his love of my cooking, especially my enchiladas,

I won’t hear his laugh,

I won't be witness to the incredible and sweet adoration of "his girlfriend" who he has been married to for 44 years.

I will miss how he always asks permission to hug me, 

I will miss how honored he is when I hug him first,

I will miss knowing a man of such Godly character, honesty, integrity, and valor

I will miss his voice calling me "sweet girl"

What is the sound of a heart breaking?  It is losing a father again.  It is the sound of a flood of tears hitting the floor.  It is the sound of a too quiet hospital room.  

Semper Fi Tom A. Turner, Jr.   You are an exceptional man among men, a good and faithful servant, and the doors to heaven are wide open tonight.  I love you.

Can you hear a heart break?

Can you hear a heart break? I think maybe you can.  I have a story to share with you.  10 years ago, almost to the day …. Mick and I joined a new Growth Group.  This was a powerful group, certainly not our peers.  These were “seasoned” Christians, they knew the bible, knew scripture, debated points and at times challenged the teaching pastors!!  Are you even allowed to do that??  We were “baby” Christians and honestly, they sort of freaked us out but we soaked it up.  Within the group were Tom and Barbara.  They are some 10+ years our seniors.  Barbara is outgoing, caring and sassy. Tom is quiet, serious and witty. Six months after we met them, we went thru a serious financial hit.  One day we came home to a simple card with an “anonymous” $500 check to bless us and help us thru.  This was our first experience with Christian grace. We were somewhat dumbfounded that someone would just send us $500.  They told us when we were back on our feet to just pass it on.  Over the years, we have passed it on many, many times over.

Plus, the following summer as our situation improved and God was prompting us into ministry, we took $500 of seed money and began the military ministry at North Coast Church, which we lead for almost 10 years.  It is now a thriving ministry of over 800 adults both local and overseas. Before we launched the ministry, we went to Tom and Barbara and asked for their blessing and asked if they would support us in the ministry.  For 10 years Barbara led Military wives bible studies and attended events and for 10 years Tom came to almost every event, made coffee, empty trash and did KP duty.

A quick note on Barbara.  Over the years, I have grown to love, admire and most importantly rely on Barbara.  She is a friend, a mentor and my wise counsel.  Two years ago she was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and went thru multiple procedures and a pretty invasive surgery.  I sat at the hospital with her, prayed with her, questioned her doctors and kept a watchful eye on her nurses. Two years later, she is still cancer free and has adapted to her new norm.

But this story is about Tom. I guess I should have warned you that this might be a bit long.  Tom is a retired Lieutenant Colonel, did I mention that?  Did I mention that the man who quietly, with the most gracious servant’s heart emptied the trash at every military breakfast is a retired Lieutenant Colonel? My father was a career Marine.  He was just a career Marine that had his career cut short.  He died in Viet Nam in 1965, when I was 5.  He was 32.  He was a Captain. For you Marines – he was a Mustang.  I don’t remember his voice.  I don’t remember his smell, his walk, his mannerisms, his laugh or even his temper.  I don’t remember him.  But as I have grown to know Tom, I have grown to hope that this is the type is man my father would have been.  A man of character, of integrity, of grace, a man of God and a man for God.  A man who serves with a quiet heart.  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard Tom call me by name.  He always calls me “sweet girl.”  I’m sure he calls others the same, but I choose to think this is reserved for me only.

Recently, Tom was diagnosed with MDS (myelodysplastic syndrome.)  MDS is a bone marrow disorder where the bone marrow doesn't produce enough healthy blood cells. Simply, it’s cancer of the blood.  It is the precursor to the worst kind of Leukemia. He started chemo on Labor Day. The chemo will not cure the MDS, it may not even slow it down.  It is only an effort to keep it from moving to Acute Leukemia. Quite simply, to survive, Tom has to have a bone marrow transplant - sooner than later.

This is the part where I boldly and unabashedly ask you to consider being tested to be a donor.  Testing to be a donor is as simple as swab in the mouth.  It puts you in the National Registry to save a life….not just Tom’s life, but any life. In another week, Tom’s bone marrow “chaser” will be in the registry every day looking for a match, maybe and prayerfully yours! Donating can be as simple as a very-long version of giving blood. 70% of all patients in need of bone marrow transplants must find a matching donor outside of their family.  Without the transplant, they will die.  Without the transplant, I will lose my friend.  I will never again see him selflessly serve, I won’t get to serve him Father’s Day brunch on my patio, I won’t hear his laugh and he won’t call me sweet girl.  What is the sound of a heart breaking?  It is losing a second father. It is the sound of a tear hitting the floor.

Bone Marrow Drive (only requirement is 18-45 years old)
Saturday, September 26
10am – 3pm
Parking Lot next to Chick Fil A – Oceanside
3475 Marron Rd, Oceanside, CA 92056

If you are not in the area – go the Nation Registry – you can test on behalf of Tom Turner:
https://bethematch.org or  http://www.deletebloodcancer.org

Any questions, ask me:  deb.bostwick@gmail.com

What's Your Impact?

How do you know if you are leading a life of significance. If you are impacting the Kingdom?  I was very spoiled working at a church for the last 10 years.  Every day was impactful in some way - large or small.  But going back to the "real" world, it's definitely harder to see.  Part of me is struggling with why is this so important.  Did I just get used to it?  Feeling significant and relevant in Gods kingdom?  That is a bit of a rush, and significance and relevance gives you pride in what you do.  Hopefully the pride stops short of being prideful.

We are all in ministry every day.  Every day is the opportunity to represent God well.  But what if that's not enough?  What if you are yearning to hear Gods direction?  I've written this before, what if God is no longer loud and now there are just momentary whispers. Have you become lesser in the kingdom, lesser in Gods eyes?

I wouldn't presume to know what God thinks, but as with any parent, I think God sees the big things are something to celebrate. But a parent isn't all about the big things.  A parent is about their child's heart; their child's dreams.  A parent wants their child to love, to be loved, to aspire to be a better person, to grow and to flourish. I have to think that's what God want from us ... our hearts, our desire to please Him, growing, molding, shaping to be what He wants us to be.  Loving Him and loving others.  Isn't that what the bible clearly says?  So why do we struggle with "what's our life calling, what's out spiritual gifts, how is God using me?"  God is using us to love others for Him.  Period.

So when only whispers are present and there are no big, crazy ministry opportunities happening, simply look around and see who God is placing in your path to love.  Who is He asking you to care for? That's the impact you have, loving another person for Him. And that's a pretty big deal!

Breathe God

"Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
    let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
    let all the trees of the forest sing for joy."

                                    Psalm 96:11-12(NIV)

There are not many places that you can see, hear, touch, taste and breath God.  There are places we get glimpses and places where we experience God, but where have you been where you are surrounded by Him?  I can think of a few:

Zion, Utah - hiking in the early morning to see the sunrise, snow on the ground, animals rustling in the distance, ice cold and eager to reach our destination.  The sun rises, the mountains turning rosy pink, orange and reds in the early morning light. Pure silence, you could hear God breathe.

Mount of Beatitudes, Israel - sitting on the hillside, reading from the Sermon on the Mount; long strands of wheat-like grass blowing as the wind came up off the Sea of Galilee. It was as if you could feel Gods breath as He softly blew the blades of grass shining golden brown in the setting sun.

And today ..... have you ever driven through the magnificent Redwood National Forest?  Or better yet walked among these gentle Giants?  Only God could make some thing so incredibly majestic.  Walking in the grove, surrounded by royalty, a babbling brook in the distance, birds calling out and the faintest rustle of leaves.  Peace.  As I walked in silence, I just kept thinking "breathe in God, breathe out the world."  The Redwoods are the biggest living things on Earth. Heights of 370 feet and diameters of 30 feet are not uncommon. They can range in age from 700 to more than 2000 years—some of which were living when Jesus walked the shores of Galilee.  Today we walked among these ancient trees, some trees in the Prairie Creek grove were upwards of 2000 years old.  As you gazed up at those majestic 350 foot tall trees towering above you, you couldn't help but be in awe - shear awe. God is present, breathe in.

Today, the trees taught me.  The trees tower hundreds of feet up into the sky! How are such gigantic living creations able to exist.  It is easy to assume that they must have incredibly strong root systems that penetrate deep into the earth to enable these colossal trees to grow and to remain strong.  What is amazing about these majestic redwood trees is that although they may reach hundreds of feet into the sky, their root systems often are relatively shallow.  Yet, they withstand raging fires, violent storms, and fierce winds. So what’s to prevent them from toppling over and being destroyed when diaster strikes? How do they survive? They survive because 1) they live in groves, and 2) the roots of the redwood trees grow outwards – actually holding one another up by interlocking with the roots of other trees, hence the groves. There is no tap root and the other roots may reach no deeper than 6-12 feet. The major roots are about 1 inch in diameter and they typically spread 50 to 80 feet. One way in which the trees are able to remain upright for millennia is by growing close together with other redwood trees, intermingling their root systems. Through holding on to one other, supporting one another, they are able to thrive and hold themselves up to reach their amazing heights! In other words they support each other. They couldn't survive alone. That's a wow! The analogy is obvious.

We walked among trees scared by fire but still standing strong. The fibrous bark, which may be up to 1 foot thick, contains tannin which provides protection against fire, insects, fungus, and diseases which might damage the tree.  The burning/charring of the bark actually makes the tree stronger and although burnt on the exterior, they remain inwardly strong and still standing!  Can you relate to that? 

When a tree falls, it becomes part of the grove's ecosystem and creates fertile ground for new growth.  Even the fallen tree's roots can become new trees.  New growth continues, even though the tree appears to be destroyed. And the new tree originating from a root or burl are genetically identical to the original tree. 

Finally, although the Redwood can reach heights of over 370 feet, they have one of the tiniest cones known to man.  They are a reminder that some of the biggest and most majestic things can come from the smallest beginnings.  The experience of walking through the redwoods is truly breathtaking — it is among the most magnificent sights a person can see. It was truly walking in God's country ... created by Him, in all its majesty.  It was a living, breathing ecosystem that grows, regenerates, withstands time and creates awe in the little people who walk within it.  Little people, BIG God.

I picked up a bookmark in the gift shop... ( ) are my comments.

ADVISE FROM A REDWOOD

• Stand Tall and Proud
• Sink Your Roots into the Earth (but don't forget community)
• Be Content with Your Natural Beauty
• Drink Plenty of Water (a 200ft tree holds 34000lbs of water)
• Enjoy the View! (God made it for you)

Got a net?

I've been thinking a lot about stories.  Everyone has a story.  Sitting in the airport today watching the travelers rushing by, I can't help but wonder what their story is.  The gal in her forties, dressed like she is a teenager.  Wearing huge, no HUGE, platform flip flops that appear to be at least a full size too big.  Or maybe the platform just so overwhelms her feet that the size is an illusion.  Her traveling companion is much younger.  At first glance you'd think they were a couple - second glance probably mother/son.

The three young Asian travelers quickly talking about their mentors, their work and where their lives are going.  Quick, bright, brimming with potential ... either some type of Masters or Doctorate program in some field beyond my understanding.

Stories.  You are at the beginning of a story, or a new chapter ... hopeful, excited, stretching to see the future, yearning for the outcome.  You are in the middle of a story, sitting idle, restless waiting to rev back up or on the flip side, tossed in turmoil, exploding in emotion just waiting to regain balance.  Wanting to find the new norm and settle back into "life." Or you are at the end of a story, closing a chapter.  By choice or by circumstance, nevertheless an ending. 

We are all moving thru, in different phases with different stories, but traversing life like the circus acrobat on the tightrope. Trying to maintain balance, keeping our composure ... "just don't tip, don't look down, steady now, steady...." I wonder how many of the airport dwellers are tightroping without a net?  As I squeezed into my assigned middle seat on the plane, my window traveler, a small, elegant Filipino woman smiles shyly.  Clutching her rosary beads, lips moving in prayer throughout the flight ... maybe holding the plane in flight?  Maybe praying for the people she just left? Or the people she is about to see?  Or maybe all?   Oh at least in part, it's the plane in flight .... as we land in San Francisco, she crosses herself, smiles and looks up thanking her Father.   As she makes ready to leave, she rearranges her study tracks, the top being Prayers for those afflicted with Cancer.  I can't help but wonder what my prayerful travel companion's story is? Not sure, but it's evident she is not traversing it without a net. 

Don't look down, but should you lose your balance, should you fall, He is there.  Keep it steady, focus on what's across the tightrope and be ever so grateful for the net.

Stupid is, as stupid does...

I am beginning a program to focus on writing.  First assignment is to write.  Hmmm....funny how that works. It says to begin where you are. To free form spill it.  It's not easy to really capture where you are ... right this minute.  My days lately have been consumed with two things: 1) work and transition, and 2) pain and lifestyle changes.  

Work and transition.  As most people know I left a ten year career 7 months ago.  I don't think I realized how working at a church filled you up and how empty you can feel when it's gone. It was 24/7, no - not 40 hrs a week, but literally 24/7 ministry.  From the day to day work to the "outside/other" ministry opportunities, it was a fast paced "God use me where you want me" work life.  Being a Christian, I am poised and ready for God to use me.  At North Coast, it was daily for 10 years.  Now, I sit. And sit. And sit waiting to see how and where He wants me.  Much harder to tell in this new life how or if I'm being used.  Doesn't feel like it. For the better part of the last 10 years God has been loud - I could hear Him moving me, pushing me, growing me.  Now I'm listening for whispers and getting an awful lot of silence.

Transitionally, I am also still trying to get me feet firmly under me.  New job, new tasks, new staff, new environment, new everything.  It's been 7 months and logically in my mind, I'd say my feet should be firmly planted, but most days I feel like I am walking on marbles.  Why is it so hard to get planted, to feel stable?  For this, at least currently, I have no answers.  Me! Who usually has answers for everything.  No answers - shocking I know!

Secondly, life is consumed with pain.  Just over 18 months ago, I started having daily headaches ... sometimes moving to migraines, but mostly just ever present headaches.  After much to-do, they appear to be a natural progression of Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with Fibro something like 5 years ago.  The first two years, I stood by the claim that I'm not convinced it even existed - so certainly I can't have it.  It's a myth.  Made up by lazy people.  At the same time I was told I have Osteoarthritis.  Ok that one makes sense and I know does exist.  Now some 5 years later, I'm told I have progressed to sever Fibromyalgia which brings with it daily headaches leaning towards migraines.  Hmmm....I guess it does exist.  Well that sucks. I've always been a work horse, taking more than my share, longer, harder, pushing thru.  As I look back, the things I've done were like moving mountains.  It's like I personally built the Great Wall of China, carrying each and every stone up the mountain.  I've been on that mountain, twice, it's BIG.  So now it's daunting and discouraging to spend a considerable amount of energy each day pushing thru body pain, head pain and ridiculous fatigue.  Seriously, in my mind I can build the Great Wall and now it's an accomplishment to make it thru the day without a breakdown.  Stupid.  (and scary)

My "writing assignment" says to go with the "current" of my emotions - where I am now. I am reaching deep to find that inspirational touch.  That "but here's the silver lining."  But sometimes it's just not there.  Sometimes it's just stupid.  That's what I got - stupid. 

WEBSTER DICTIONARY

stu·pid

ˈst(y)o͞opəd/

adjective

1. Lacking intelligence or common sense

Synonyms: unintelligent, ignorant, dense, foolish, dull-witted, slow, simpleminded, vacuous, vapid, idiotic, obtuse, doltish.

URBAN DICTIONARY

Someone who has to look up "stupid" in the dictionary because they don't know what it means.

OKAY, now that's funny!  So I think the inspiration here is that life is not stupid, I am for not appreciating life, appreciating all I do have, appreciating the amazing gift of every day .... every sunrise, every sunset, every glorious breath.  Who knew that God speaks thru the Urban Dictionary?  Yeah that was a bit more than a whisper.

Writing assignment done.

1. • I am beginning a program to focus on writing.  First assignment is to write.  Hmmm....funny how that works. It says to begin where you are. To free form spI am beginning a program to focus on writing.  First assignment is to write.  Hmmm....funny how that works. It says to begin where you are. To free form spill it.  It's not easy to really capture where you are ... right this minute.  My days lately have been consumed with two things: 1) work and transition, and 2) pain and lifestyle changes.  

     
     

     Work and transition.  As most people know I left a ten year career 7 months ago.  I don't think I realized how working at a church filled you up and how empty you can feel when it's gone. It was 24/7, no - not 40 hrs a week, but literally 24/7 ministry.  From the day to day work to the "outside/other" ministry opportunities, it was a fast paced "God use me where you want me" work life.  Being a Christian, I am poised and ready for God to use me.  At North Coast, it was daily for 10 years.  Now, I sit. And sit. And sit waiting to see how and where He wants me.  Much harder to tell in this new life how or if I'm being used.  Doesn't feel like it. For the better part of the last 10 years God has been loud - I could hear Him moving me, pushing me, growing me.  Now I'm listening for whispers and getting an awful lot of silence.

     
     

     Transitionally, I am also still trying to get me feet firmly under me.  New job, new tasks, new staff, new environment, new everything.  It's been 7 months and logically in my mind, I'd say my feet should be firmly planted, but most days I feel like I am walking on marbles.  Why is it so hard to get planted, to feel stable?  For this, at least currently, I have no answers.  Me! Who usually has answers for everything.  No answers - shocking I know!

     
     

     Secondly, life is consumed with pain.  Just over 18 months ago, I started having daily headaches ... sometimes moving to migraines, but mostly just ever present headaches.  After much to-do, they appear to be a natural progression of Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with Fibro something like 5 years ago.  The first two years, I stood by the claim that I'm not convinced it even existed - so certainly I can't have it.  It's a myth.  Made up by lazy people.  At the same time I was told I have Osteoarthritis.  Ok that one makes sense and I know does exist.  Now some 5 years later, I'm told I have progressed to sever Fibromyalgia which brings with it daily headaches leaning towards migraines.  Hmmm....I guess it does exist.  Well that sucks. I've always been a work horse, taking more than my share, longer, harder, pushing thru.  As I look back, the things I've done were like moving mountains.  It's like I personally built the Great Wall of China, carrying each and every stone up the mountain.  I've been on that mountain, twice, it's BIG.  So now it's daunting and discouraging to spend a considerable amount of energy each day pushing thru body pain, head pain and ridiculous fatigue.  Seriously, in my mind I can build the Great Wall and now it's an accomplishment to make it thru the day without a breakdown.  Stupid.  (and scary)

     
     

     My "writing assignment" says to go with the "current" of my emotions - where I am now. I am reaching deep to find that inspirational touch.  That "but here's the silver lining."  But sometimes it's just not there.  Sometimes it's just stupid.  That's what I got - stupid. 

     
     

     WEBSTER DICTIONARY

     stu·pid

     ˈst(y)o͞opəd/

     adjective

     1. Lacking intelligence or common sense

     Synonyms: unintelligent, ignorant, dense, foolish, dull-witted, slow, simpleminded, vacuous, vapid, idiotic, obtuse, doltish.

     URBAN DICTIONARY

     Someone who has to look up "stupid" in the dictionary because they don't know what it means.

     OKAY, now that's funny!  So I think the inspiration here is that life is not stupid, I am for not appreciating life, appreciating all I do have, appreciating the amazing gift of every day .... every sunrise, every sunset, every glorious breath.  Who knew that God speaks thru the Urban Dictionary?  Yeah that was a bit more than a whisper.

     Writing assignment done.

     ill it.  It's not easy to really capture where you are ... right this minute.  My days lately have been consumed with two things: 1) work and transition, and 2) pain and lifestyle changes.  

     
     

     Work and transition.  As most people know I left a ten year career 7 months ago.  I don't think I realized how working at a church filled you up and how empty you can feel when it's gone. It was 24/7, no - not 40 hrs a week, but literally 24/7 ministry.  From the day to day work to the "outside/other" ministry opportunities, it was a fast paced "God use me where you want me" work life.  Being a Christian, I am poised and ready for God to use me.  At North Coast, it was daily for 10 years.  Now, I sit. And sit. And sit waiting to see how and where He wants me.  Much harder to tell in this new life how or if I'm being used.  Doesn't feel like it. For the better part of the last 10 years God has been loud - I could hear Him moving me, pushing me, growing me.  Now I'm listening for whispers and getting an awful lot of silence.

     
     

     Transitionally, I am also still trying to get me feet firmly under me.  New job, new tasks, new staff, new environment, new everything.  It's been 7 months and logically in my mind, I'd say my feet should be firmly planted, but most days I feel like I am walking on marbles.  Why is it so hard to get planted, to feel stable?  For this, at least currently, I have no answers.  Me! Who usually has answers for everything.  No answers - shocking I know!

     
     

     Secondly, life is consumed with pain.  Just over 18 months ago, I started having daily headaches ... sometimes moving to migraines, but mostly just ever present headaches.  After much to-do, they appear to be a natural progression of Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with Fibro something like 5 years ago.  The first two years, I stood by the claim that I'm not convinced it even existed - so certainly I can't have it.  It's a myth.  Made up by lazy people.  At the same time I was told I have Osteoarthritis.  Ok that one makes sense and I know does exist.  Now some 5 years later, I'm told I have progressed to sever Fibromyalgia which brings with it daily headaches leaning towards migraines.  Hmmm....I guess it does exist.  Well that sucks. I've always been a work horse, taking more than my share, longer, harder, pushing thru.  As I look back, the things I've done were like moving mountains.  It's like I personally built the Great Wall of China, carrying each and every stone up the mountain.  I've been on that mountain, twice, it's BIG.  So now it's daunting and discouraging to spend a considerable amount of energy each day pushing thru body pain, head pain and ridiculous fatigue.  Seriously, in my mind I can build the Great Wall and now it's an accomplishment to make it thru the day without a breakdown.  Stupid.  (and scary)

     
     

     My "writing assignment" says to go with the "current" of my emotions - where I am now. I am reaching deep to find that inspirational touch.  That "but here's the silver lining."  But sometimes it's just not there.  Sometimes it's just stupid.  That's what I got - stupid. 

     
     

     WEBSTER DICTIONARY

     stu·pid

     ˈst(y)o͞opəd/

     adjective

     1. Lacking intelligence or common sense

     Synonyms: unintelligent, ignorant, dense, foolish, dull-witted, slow, simpleminded, vacuous, vapid, idiotic, obtuse, doltish.

     URBAN DICTIONARY

     Someone who has to look up "stupid" in the dictionary because they don't know what it means.

     OKAY, now that's funny!  So I think the inspiration here is that life is not stupid, I am for not appreciating life, appreciating all I do have, appreciating the amazing gift of every day .... every sunrise, every sunset, every glorious breath.  Who knew that God speaks thru the Urban Dictionary?  Yeah that was a bit more than a whisper.

     Writing assignment done.